


Zuko Swears He Thought This Through. He Did Not.

by orphan_account



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: ? - Freeform, Badass Toph Beifong, Badass Zuko (Avatar), Fire Nation Lore (Avatar), Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Just going as we go, Kinda, Like really slow, Minor Character Death, Not Beta Read, Police Brutality, Racism, Slow Burn, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, all 3 of those should be tags you cowards, and so does toph, and we love him, earth kingdom lore, for development, from both the earth and fire nation, i guess, involuntary but still, just like a sentence or two tho, maybe zukka, northern water tribe lore, southern water tribe lore, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25279678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It hurt to move. So he didn't.He didn't move when they forced him out of the infirmary. Not when he was put in chains. Not when they dragged him away.It hurt. The smell of burnt flesh that he could still smell after months. the blackness of an unseeing eye. the muffled sounds to his left.And after it all, Zuko thought of his father's last words to him-You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher-what a shitty teacher.
Relationships: Jee & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & The Gaang, Toph Beifong & Zuko, Zuko (Avatar) & Original Character(s)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 360





	1. The Cruelty of a Father

It hurt to move. So he didn't.  
He didn't move when they forced him out of the infirmary. Not when he was put in chains. Not when they dragged him away.   
It hurt. The smell of burnt flesh that he could still smell after months. the blackness of an unseeing eye. the muffled sounds to his left.  
And after it all, Zuko thought of his father's last words to him-  
You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher-  
what a shitty teacher.

The infirmary had been quiet. Tense. For all of the month or so of being there it was the same. It was understandable. Healing a disgraced prince may not be what people had expected just in the moment, but still he wished someone had told him what was going on before the guards came and forced chains around his wrists and ankles.  
The chains are cold, so very cold and the hands of guards are far too rough.  
Far too fast for Zuko’s liking they’re on a small ship with more people in chains. Women and men in different colors from the darks of fire nation red and earth kingdom brown to greens and bright blues of water tribes. Hands bound and solemn eyes. Scraps and bruises. Blood.  
There are no other children his traitorous mind supplies.  
He can feel the eyes on him, on the many chains, on the scar he’s never seen. He ignores them. Because why should he care? There is no hope. There’s nothing left for him. Is there?

And That’s the question really; Is there anything left for him? Is there hope? What did he have before? What does he have now? Does he need these things anymore? Does he want them?  
The palace is just that, a palace. After his mother disappeared from their lives the palace was no longer a home to him. Maybe, when they were young, Azula loved him the same way he loved her. Though, he supposes, he was never a very good big brother. And his father, the Firelord. Zuko isn’t even sure he’s ever seen the man smile, much less at him. He was the fuck up first born. A disappointment in both firebending and politics. But did he ever get a real chance to prove himself?  
Suddenly he’s reminded of the story Azula said father told her. His birth. The middle of the night, no moon in sight, abandoned by not only Agni himself but his counterparts Tu and La as well. Azula always reminded him how father said he was born without the spark; no fire in his eyes. He was a disappointment from birth. Maybe his father was just waiting for a moment to get rid of him. Maybe that’s why he’s on his way to a prison with very talkative guards and very upset prisoners.

Speaking of talkative guards, if Zuko turned his head just slightly, he could hear them pretty clearly.   
“-and I never thought that she’d actually do it, but I guess you have to expect that with Spark Rocks.” as the guards laughed he saw some prisoners dressed in red and green flinch. Spark Rocks. Zuko had heard it before from tutors; apparently it started before the war as just old slang to describe people that were mixed of both earth kingdom and fire nation blood, over time and after the war started it became a derogatory term in both nations. Zuko felt bad for those prisoners, no one gets to control where they are from. But before he can finish that line of thought the other guard speaks,  
“Yeah,” she says catching her breath, “By the way, did you hear about where we’re headed?”  
“Not really, wasn’t really paying attention.”  
“Well apparently these guys are getting shipped to the Boiling Rock.”  
“Shit, really? All of them?”  
“Yep, all of them are war prisoners or traitors of the crown.”  
“Damn, almost feel sorry for them. Almost.”  
“Yeah-”  
Boiling Rock. A maximum security prison that from reputation had never had anyone escape. Even more notorious for their rumors of brutality.  
This- This wasn’t good at all. His father had sent him to a prison where he had to know that Zuko would get hurt. Because there was no possible way he didn't know. And this brought the final realization to Zuko; his father wanted him dead. He couldn’t finish him off in the Agni Kai because Zuko had forfeit his place in the fight, but if he caused his death indirectly he knew he would get away with it. His father wanted him to die here. Cold and alone.

His father wanted him dead.

Under the numbness of shock Zuko could feel it. What was it? Sadness? No. Anger? Not quite that either. But he could feel it rushing through his heart and through his veins. This feeling surged and covered his body. It was fast and hot, but it also felt as if he was submerged in water as the sea itself waited for him to drown. 

“Everyone out!” The guard was dressed in the regular uniform but a different helmet. Not a soldier then, an officer.  
The prisoners all got up and did as they were told, albeit a bit slowly just to make it difficult for the guards. Which, fair enough. It wasn’t like they wanted to be here.  
Zuko was in the back so he was the last one to get off the boat. They were pushed into a single file line and led to a gondola that rode above the boiling water at the bottom. It swung just slightly as they rode down to the prison. Zuko looked over the edge. Maybe it isn’t impossible to escape. He had gotten very good at stealth and master Piando said he was exceptionally good with the dual dao swords. Maybe it would be possible to get out of this mess.  
As they all got up and out of the gondola they were lined up on the landing platform. Apparently the warden took now as the perfect day to actually be there, what with the traitor prince here and all. The warden walked from one end of the handful of prisoners there. As he went he was talking trash and went on and on about how superior the Fire Nation was. When he reached him, Zuko started paying attention.  
“And here he is, the quest of honor. Our former prince, now traitor of the crown.” And that’s what doesn’t make sense. Exactly what did the Firelord tell the people happanded? And were the nobles really keeping their mouths shut about it?  
“Why don’t you tell us what made you do it. Hmm?” His voice was far too confident for the misinformation he was about to spread. “What made you turn against the crown and try to sabotage your own father’s war plans?”  
Zuko felt it again, that feeling. The surge through his veins and the raging heart beat. But now it had a name. This thing that he felt was fury. Hot and blinding fury. But he isn’t an idiot, yelling and throwing a tantrum isn’t something he’s able to do.  
Zuko spoke with utter anger in his scratchy voice, “If helping my people makes me a traitor, all the things you must have done to get you ‘honoured’ title will surely land you an awful and suffering place in the spirit world.”  
Zuko grunted. He felt the pain before he realized what had happened. He fell to his knees with the force of the blow he took to his gut. He felt the man to his right move slightly as if to help him and then think better of it and stay still.  
The warden grabbed Zuko by the chin and forced him to look him in the eyes.  
“You obviously have no respect-”  
You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher-  
“-but don’t worry, we’ll teach it to you.” The warden lets go of him and stands straighter. Zuko watches as he turns to walk away. “Take him to the cooler before he gets a cell.”  
Next thing he knows Zuko is being dragged off. He doesn’t struggle, his anger gone. He gets thrown in the cooler and locked in. He hurdles inward for what warmth he could manage.  
He isn’t sure how long he was there but when they take him out he can barely move.

This happens a lot. Being thrown in the cooler. The rest of the experience in prison is just as bad. He’s locked in his cell most of the time, mostly fed a half bowl of what looks like rice and a piss poor cup of tea. He thinks of sitting in the garden with Iroh and Lu Ten. The way the wind would blow the sun on his skin. The warmth of another person. Every once in a while he is let out into the canteen to eat with other prisoners.  
“I just think it’s bullshit!” Liu Yang, an earth kingdom soldier, yells, throwing her hands up.  
“That doesn’t mean it fucking is!” Karuk, a southern water tribe warrior, retorts.  
“Do you two ever stop shouting?” former Lieutenant Jee, fire nation traitor, says.  
Liu and Karuk turn to stare at him pointedly.  
“Fair enough.” Jee says completely deadpan. Liu and Karuk bust out laughing and Jee smiles while Zuko lets out a snort.  
“I think Liu’s right,” Zuko starts,”there is no fucking way Karuk survived the chèn*.”  
“See!! Zuko agrees with me.” Liu says as if it disproves Karuk’s entire story.  
Karuk grunts in retort and turns to Zuko, “What was it you were talking about earlier anyway?” He very obviously changes the subject.  
“Right, well,” Zuko jumps right in with the exciting news in a hushed whisper, “So remember how I said I was keeping up with training in my cell?” A few nods, “Well my uncle Iroh had always said the fire comes from the breath, not the muscles.” que confusion from non-benders, “I know, it took me awhile too, which is why I sat down to meditate and try it. I was working on it for about a week or so and then two days ago- I breathed fucking fire!”  
“..No way.” Karuk, along with the other two, were shocked.  
“Yes way.” Zuko said with pride and proceeded to show off his slightly burnt tongue.  
“Motherfucker.” They whipped their heads in Jee’s direction.   
Liu gasped, “you never curse!”  
Jee waves her off, “yeah, yeah, whatever. Look kid, be careful with that firebending or you’ll end up getting a lashing.”  
“Sure, old man.” Zuko grinned at Jee’s unimpressed look.

And he did, Zuko stayed out of trouble the most he could. It was about a full year after his father had burned him. He had taught himself to regain his balance after he lost the hearing in his left ear and how to compensate for his, quite literal, blind spot. He continued to practice in secret in his cell, and eat the small amount of food he was given. He always looked forward to eating with Liu, Karuk, and Jee every once in a while. However, he never really did think the things he did through.

After they were called to file out of the canteen he had seen two guards try to grab Liu to take her somewhere else.  
Zuko swears he thought this through. He did not.  
Zuko rushed over and grabbed the back of Liu’s tunic and pulled her away from them. As she fell back, Zuko got in front of her and went into a fighting stance against the two guards. Each one quickly pulled out their swords as they were both non-benders.   
“Stand down, kid.” Said the first guard with a glare.  
Zuko turns to Liu, “Go.” sparks just slightly slipping out of his mouth and she does.  
Zuko made the first move. He quickly lifted his foot to a high kick, orange flames just almost touching causing the two to much back. The guards charge, swords drawn. Zuko ducks as the first guard swings and kicks a leg out to meet his gut and he drops his sword. Zuko picks it up and blocks a swing from the other guard. The clang of metal is loud, causing other prisoners to follow the sound. They slowly gather a crowd surrounding zuko and the guard. As the guard turns to strike him, Zuko moves his blad to the base of the guards and twists sending it to the ground. Quickly, Zuko moves his blade to the guards neck.

“Enough!” They both turn to see the warden stalking over.  
“Shit.” Zuko mumbles under his breath after realizing they’re surrounded and lowers the sword, dropping it. The warden stops in front of them and the guard stands up straighter while Zuko glares.   
“Li, you were beat by a 14 year old. Want to explain yourself?” The guard, Li, stumbles over his words. The warden raises his eyebrow and Li stops talking.  
“Sir,” he starts, “the boy breathed sparks.” At this the warden raises both eyebrows and shoots a look Zuko’s way, he continues to glare.  
“Li,” the warden is fully looking at Zuko, “you’re fired.” before Li could say anything the warden continued. “And you, boy. We’ll just have to lash those sparks out of you. Guards!”  
Next thing Zuko knows he’s being forced in chains, which he was used to, but now they’ve placed a muzzle over his mouth just below his nose so he can breath. Then, he’s being dragged to the courtyard and chained to a pole and the guard holding him rips the back of his shirt open and he knows exactly what is about to happen. He also knows that he will not scream. He won’t be giving the warden that satisfaction. He feels the wind against his bare back and listens to the murmuring of the crowd.   
And then the order falls from the warden's mouth as the whip falls from the sky. Zuko grunts and flinches roughly under the force. The pain settles in, stinging and sharp, but he will not scream.  
The warden says do it again.  
And once again.  
And again.  
And again.  
His back is bloody from broken skin and open wounds, but he does not scream. He can feel the stares from guards and prisoners alike. He never really thought he would die in here. Sure, he caused indirect deaths; quickly grabbing a blanket or shoes before someone else could and then freezing to death, or getting to the near front of the canteen line and someone in the back starving to death. But he never really thought he’d die here. He didn’t exactly know how he should be feeling about that specific train of thought.  
“Let this be a lesson to you all,” and Zuko wishes he had the strength to open his eyes just to roll them, “I will not tolerate disobedience. Shall any of you ever cross me, you’ll have wished I had the mercy to just kill you instead.”  
With that he is being dragged away. Though halfway down the hall his blacks out. 

When zuko wakes up he’s on his stomach in his cell, muzzle and chains still on. He sits up quickly and feels the pull of sloppy stitching, just good enough to stay in and not get infected, but sloppy enough to leave more gruesome scars than if they just left it alone. He can barely move and he starts to panic. Would they leave the muzzle on? Would they just let him starve to death with it on? He couldn’t breath and it was far too warm. His breaths came in ragged and he can’t breath out his mouth. His shaking and gasping. He doesn’t notice his body temperature rise till he hears the loud snap of the chains around his wrists and ankles.  
He looks down to see the sizzling metal laying on the cool ground. He Looks at his wrists and sees blistering and sizzling burns. He’s still shaking and he can feel the tears sliding down his cheeks at the pain, but he still tries to breathe.  
It takes him a few minutes but he's calmed down so he closes his eyes and the world goes black.  
When Zuko woke up he was numb. Not physically no, physically he was in so much pain. But mentally he was done, he didn’t care at that moment and getting up was just too hard.  
But he got up anyway.  
As he looked to the door of his cell he saw a try with two bowls of rice and shitty tea. And a note.   
He walked over and sat down in front of the tray, picking up the note to read it.

I came by earlier to check on your wounds and saw your burns.   
I don’t know why or how you got them, but if you did them to yourself, please do not lose hope my prince. You are a child and should never have been brought and I am so sorry you did.  
I have given you an extra rice and I made the tea myself- it’s Jasmine, I hope you like it.  
You’ll aso notice I have given you some burn cream, please make sure the guards don’t find it and keep yourself safe.  
\- your healer

Just as they had said, there was burn cream. Zuko applied it to his burns and though it hurt at first it was already helping to feel a little better. He wished he could have thanked his healer. They were very kind to risk arrest themselves just to help with some burns. They deserve better than this sucky job with a shitty boss and even shittier guards.  
The next three days he spent training and planning his escape. He had mapped out the route he would take in his head, first straight down the hall, then the left and down to the second floor where they would keep the prisoners' things. He planned to take a bag with some loose fighting earth kingdom clothes. After he would make his way to the gondola. He’ll figure it out from there afterwards. He had tried before, but this time he would succeed or die trying.


	2. Sacrifice and Starvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...wasn’t it just fitting that the almost direct opposite of his own element be the one thing to meet him in every direction. He dreamed about something different that night. That night, he dreamed of drowning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// graphic death and involuntary starvation
> 
> If that is something that triggers you basically he breaks out of prison and sails to the earth kingdom in a small row boat for a long time and ends up in an old ladies pottery shop before he passes out

After a few days pacing, doing sit ups and hot squats, the day had finally come. The Warden was out at the capital, something about a meeting. It was the middle of the night, the only ones awake being the very few guards passing by here and there. 

Zuko was pressed up with his right ear against the door. No one around.

Zuko puts his hand to the keyhole, a small flame in his hand.

It takes awhile for the lock to get close to breaking, but just as it was getting there zuko hears voices down the hall walking towards him. He pulls his hand back and slides over to the side of the door. He tries his best to stay quiet, his breathing coming out in quiet gasps from the anticipation. The guards, two he thinks, pass the front of the door.

“Motherfucker!” ah, nevermind then.

The door is busted open and the guards run in. As neither turned, Zuko knocked out the closest one with the door. He moved to knock the second one out but was met with fire as he stumbled back. Zuko shot fire from his open palm and as the guard moved away charged and tackled him. When they crashed on the ground the guards head was met with a cold stone floor.

Quite frankly, it should not be this easy to infiltrate the “most secure” prison in the Fire Nation. Zuko has been bullshitting his way to the second floor in an ill fitting guard uniform far too easily. He made it just fine to the storage room and squatted down to start to pack what he could in terms of supplies along with the knife Uncle had given him.

_ Guess my luck is looking up,  _ Zuko smiled to himself as he finished packing the Earth Kingdom outfit in his satchel. Him even suggesting he had good luck was apparently enough reason for Agni and the universe itself to prove him wrong.

The alarm was loud and hurt his good ear far more than it should. Zuko Stood up quickly and started towards the door. Before his hand reached the door handle he saw a glint of silver in the corner of his eye. He looked over to his right to see some Fire Nation duel dao tossed carelessly to the side. He grabbed them and tied them to his belt before he ran out.

Zuko walked to the security lock room. He’d need a distraction of course.

Zuko ran down a side hall where he knew air ducts would be. He used one of his swords to pry it open. Looking up through the duct, it was small and dark and cramped and Zuko very suddenly hated not planning this out.

He climbed up the duct while trying not to sneeze and headed in the general direction towards the security locks. He hoped he’d make it out of here after this stunt.

“I hate this! It’s so boring.” The guard in front of the levers complained while sitting back with his feet propped up. Zuko looked down from the ducts, there was only one guard there. Zuko made quick work as he dropped from the vents and knocked him out. 

The moment he pulled all the levers, which was off schedule, and the cell doors opened, every prisoner ran out to the courtyard. 

With all the guards so panicked, Zuko was able to slip into the chaos and make his way towards the gondola.

“Need some help?” Jee was there with Karuk and Liu on either side of them.

Zuko sighed, “I don’t want any of you getting hurt.”

Karuk chuckles softly, “come on, Zuko. We can take ‘em! Right, Liu?”

Liu with a wicked grin responds, “Definitely.”

Jee pushes Zuko forward to his exit out with Liu and Karuk covering their backs. The sound of the earth crumbling and flying through the air as the prisoners earthbenders fight against guards overpowered the sound of dozens of sets of footsteps running on the solid stone, but it couldn’t shroud out the unmistakable sound of firebending being used against the people, Zuko’s people. The Boiling Rock is a prison used not for everyday criminals, it is filled to the brim with accused traitors, war prisoners, and the like. There are so many in fact, that they’re almost running out of room. People are not brought here “to serve their time”, they are brought here as a death sentence. Whether the guards attack with the intent to kill or just detain, in the end it’ll all be the same anyway. 

Just meters from the gondola, Karuk lets out a yell and Zuko goes to turn around to help. There was Karuk, falling and bleeding. He has so much pain in his eyes and grabs his neck as blood seeps between his fingers and down his arm and shirt. His throat has been slit. He meets Zuko's eye and Zuko watches the spark of life leave him. He hears the far away scream, it’s blood curdling and loud. It takes him a second to realize it was him that had screamed. Zuko takes a step forward, Jee stops him with an arm around his waist. He pushes forward and just barely brushes against Karuk’s limp and blood covered arm as Jee grabs him back.

“Go, Prince Zuko, now!” 

“I am not a prince, and I’m helping!”

Jee forces him to look him in the eye, “I know it is hard but Zuko, we have lived our lives as well and as long as we could. You are a child whether you like it or not. You may be a little shit, but you don’t deserve to die. You  _ need  _ to leave. Go!” As Jee turns to help Liu, Zuko runs. 

He runs until he makes it to the gondola. There stands a guard who starts to unsheathe his sword, but Zuko’s already got his sword pointed at his neck. After a few tense seconds he lets go of his sword and puts his hands up, Zuko takes this time to move behind him both swords at his neck. In a haze he tells the guard to start the gondola. He gets it moving and Zuko hops on with the guard as it starts up.

The gondola makes its way to the outer path of the prison at a good pace but much slower than Zuko, in his hazed and panicked mind, would’ve liked. He moves away from the guard, but not before taking his swords and kicking them to the opposite end of the gondola.

“You're not going to fight me?” Zuko hasn’t lowered his swords completely.

“If I did, would you kill me?” That is not something Zuko expected. “I know it seems cowardly, but I’m not risking my life for a job that barely pays me enough to live. Besides,” He starts as his eyes flicker to Zuko's scar and then back to his face, “you’re our prince aren’t you?”

And Zuko has to take a breath at that before he starts thinking about his father, “Not anymore.”

The guard simply hums in response and leans against the wall.

The guards back at the grounds of the prison are still toe to toe with Jee and Liu. Zuko moves to get a better look as Liu uses a guards sword against a few people at once and Jee lets out a wall of fire cutting off any non-benders from moving forward. 

Before Zuko can see what happens next the gondola stops at the edge of the prison border. Zuko hurries off down the path to the sea with his satchel, dao, and his uncle's knife- maybe he should have grabbed more things. Zuko gets to the shore seeing a line of small ships and boats. He pushes a small wooden row boat out and steps in. 

He rows for as long as he can before he has to stop with the ache of his muscles. It doesn’t look like he was followed out of the prison borders. He’d scrubbed the blood of himself with so much strength his hand was left just a shade or so of red lighter than the burn scars on his wrists.

Zuko sits on the boat floor and leans against the middle seat. He takes his stachel into his hands to open it. Some fruit that he’d have to eat first before it goes bad, a good amount of crackers that’d take longer to go bad, and a smaller bag filled with some dried fruits and nuts. Along with that he had a, hopefully, recent map of the four nations and the knife Uncle had given him.

Zuko takes his time, because really he’s in the middle of the ocean headed towards the Earth Kingdom, and he grabs a pear and the Earth Kingdom clothes he’d packed.

It took him a good minute to figure out just how the clothes worked exactly, but once he got it he relished in the feeling of thicker clothes against the harsh winds off the east of the Fire Nation. 

He’d ran out of fruit faster than he expected. Maybe a few days, a week? He’d have to ration the rest of his food. He’d gone without normal portions of food for about a year now, but he was given enough to keep working. Starving didn’t sound like anything he wanted to do.

Zuko had learned how to map out the stars from Karuk when they got the night shift working later. Karuk would tell him stories of the small,  _ it was so small compared to the prison  _ he had said one day a far away look in his eyes, Southern Water Tribe. He talked about the chief, Chief Hakoda he believed, and the rest of the men of when they had all still been children. He also talked about his wife and his daughter. He knew he was still on course to the Earth Kingdom.

Thinking of Karuk was hard to do. As soon as the good memories of him faded, he was met with thoughts of blood and screams. Zuko wasn’t sure if his family even knew he was in prison in the first place. That thought alone made him feel like crying.

Zuko took a deep breath.  _ In. Out. In. Out. _

Whenever he panicked at the palace Lu Ten had always helped him calm down when he could.

Thinking of Lu Ten made him think of Uncle Iroh too. Tea in the garden and how he never made it quite right, but Uncle was never mad about it and Lu Ten said it was _ just hot leaf juice anyway _ and would drag him away to sword practice as Uncle laughed.

He came to the startling realization that any memory with them actually there was never a bad one. Sure, sometimes Lu Ten would get upset at him, but they’d always make up by the end of the day. Hell, he even had bad memories of his mother, but never them.

He thought of smiles, crinkled eyes, and the smell of jasmine as he fell asleep under the stars.

He was almost out of dried fruit. It had been about a month or so. The rationing alone was wearing him out, but starving? He didn’t want to die like that. It was the worst way he could think of leaving the world of the living. Sure, he grew up around the constant threat of violence and assassination everyday, but this wouldn’t be quick or thought out. Not even by the mercy of the living. No, starvation was slow and all consuming. It was brought on by that of the world itself and would not stop until you found something to fill you or joined the world as decaying flesh. But he knew he wouldn’t. Zuko was far too stubborn to die.

The scars on his wrists had started scabbing over about maybe a week ago, they were starting to fully heal. He hadn’t tracked the healing at first. He slept during the day and tracked the stars at night to keep on course. After he ran out of dried fruit he looked for things to distract him from the empty pit in his stomach. He had had the unbearable urge to pick at the unhealed skin, but he knew he couldn’t. It took an unreasonable amount of self control not to actually do it.

Instead he laid back and stared at the stars when he was sure he was still on course. His stomach had stopped making noise, as if it had come to it’s own realization that no matter how much noise it made that that noise wouldn’t be met with anything but a grunt of pain from Zuko. The pain was, as he had expected, all consuming. But it was not in the way he had thought it would be. He had found that the longer you starved, the more your body stopped hurting. It was numb. To the point that he could no longer tell if he was hungry at all. In the back of his mind he knew, he knew how much his own mind and body screamed at him with a hunger he could no longer feel. He had found a small tin cup and had been using it to boil the salt out of the water to make it drinkable. And he drank it everyday. He drank it til he could pretend that the liquid sloshing around in his gut had filled him up all he needed. The sloshing never stopped though, not in the dead of the sea. The seas near the prison weren't too bad, but the farther out he got the harsher the water was. And wasn’t it just fitting that the almost direct opposite of his own element be the one thing to meet him in every direction. He dreamed about something different that night. That night, he dreamed of drowning.

He had woken up with a start one day as his boat banged against something. He thought it was a wave as he shot up and looked around. His boat had hit land. A small patch of sand that stretched down the shore line. If Zuko squinted his good eye he could just almost see the outline of a small docking village. Zuko grabbed his bag with his map and dagger, he grabbed the tin cup and shoved it in there too and strapped his dao across his back. He stumbled his way off his boat and got the bottoms of his pants soaked as he pushed to get to the shore.

And if he stumbled as he walked to the village, he didn’t let himself acknowledge it.

He walked into the first open shop he came to holding himself up against the wall so he could still stand. He belatedly realized it was a pottery shop and very quickly tried to backtrack before he broke something valuable he didn’t have the money for.

“S-sorry” His voice was scratchy- well, scratchier than usual.

He felt hands on him and violently flinched away from the unknown person causing him to fall backwards. The hands left him quickly and he looked up. The person was a elderly woman with a worried expression. 

“It’s quite alright, child. No need to apologize. You don’t look very okay- would you like something to eat? Somewhere to rest?” Her voice was sweet if a little weary with age and edged with concern. The first person he’s heard in what he thinks was months and Zuko finds himself nodding. Though, he didn’t really know which question he was answering. Or really what was asked of him. That was apparently good enough for the world as it decided now was a great time for the world to go completely black to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it's obvious but I have no idea how to write fighting scenes. If anything seems off just let me know and I'll fix it :)


	3. The Consequences Of War And All It Brings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ru raises an eyebrow and turns to Zuko, “You let him name you Li? Really?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a hot second, but I am finally finished with chapter 3 baby!!
> 
> TW// mention past self-harm

The young man that had stumbled into her shop had very quickly tried to stumble out, but she was having none of it. Spirits be damned, she _will_ help every child coming her way whether the world wants her to or not.

Li Na may be an old woman, but she was not senile. She knew this child was Fire Nation, or at least mixed with Fire Nation blood, the bright gold eye was hard to miss. Not to mention the paler skin and thin, dark hair. Sometimes, mixed children took after one parent too much to be safe in their own home. That being said for a young man, just a boy really, he had far too many scars- many of them burn scars nonetheless.

She had brought Zuko to the clinic that her oldest, Ru, runs in the middle of town. Ru laid him down on one of the many flimsy beds near the entrance.

“What do you think happened to him, Nana?” Ru looked worried about the boy. The kid was a mess. Scars large and small covered his slim body from head to toe. The obvious lashing scars bunched up on his back that wrapped around his right shoulder, the small burns on his thighs, the knicks from swords here and there, the burns around his wrist and ankles. But none of them were as out in the open as the burn on his face. It was large and darker around his eye and spread out till it reached a light pink after his ear and slightly down his neck where the fire had spread over his body. They both knew something like that couldn’t be an accident.

“Exactly what war does to people.” Li Na’s lips were in a thin line, “Ru, would you be able to care for him while he’s here? If you're not too busy as it is.”

“Of course, Nana.” Ru smiled at her while he went to get a bowl of cool water and a rag for the boy's fever. “By the way, do you know when Feng is getting back?”

Nana smiled, “He said something about kickball before he left with some friends.”

Ru came back with the bowl and rag, “Figures,” he turned to Nana, “I can stay with him, you need to rest before you open shop tomorrow.”

“Yes, yes. You’re probably right.” Nana Kisses Ru’s forehead before she sets off back to her home.

Ru stays throughout the night wrapping Zuko’s wounds and placing the cool rag on his forehead, before the sun wakes he makes some Jook for the kid and leaves a glass of water next to him. With this done he grabs a chair and leans back for a nap til the kid wakes up.

Zuko wakes up with a groan. His head is killing him, but he sits up anyway. He reaches up to rub at the back of his aching head; his hair is to his shoulders, nated and gross and- is that blood? His throat feels like shit. He’s on a small, flimsy bed with a bedside table. As Zuko rubs his head, as if that will make the pain go away, he notices the bowl and glass of water. 

He grabs the water so fast Ru almost gets whiplash following what he’s doing. Zuko proceeds to chug the entire glass of water like his life depended on it. Well, he guessed, it kind of did.

“You okay, Kid?” And no, zuko _did not_ jump at the sound of someone else in the room. 

Thankfully the man continues as if he didn’t see Zuko flinch (he did), “We’re in the town clinic. My Nana found you stumbling into her shop, so she had me bring you back here to help. I hope that’s okay with you.”

“Sorry” Zuko croaks out before he can stop himself.

The man frowns a little, “You don’t have to apologize. Let me get you some more water.” He takes the glass and walks into the other room as he speaks over his shoulder, “My name’s Ru by the way! My little brother will probably want to meet you too, his name’s Feng.” He hands Zuko a newly filled glass and Zuko sips from it. “we need to call you something instead of just ‘kid’. So,what’s your name, kid?” And this is where Zuko looked down at his lap. Why would they be fine with housing someone who wouldn’t even tell them his name? He wasn’t prepared to be kicked out with his injuries.

“Umm… I don’t.. I mean- uhh” Zuko laughs nervously and rubs the back of his neck with a sort of shy smile on his face. 

Ru smiles wide at him, “That’s all right, my brother’s good with names; maybe he’ll try to give you one.” Ru chuckles a little as he hands Zuko the bowl of Jook.

Zuko smiles a little trying to match Ru’s but the leather like skin of his scar stretches a little too much so he goes to eat the Jook. Ru steps out of the room so he can do something else, Zuko doesn’t mind. He can barely stomach looking at the Jook in his hands much less actually eating it, but he gets in about a fourth and calls it good. Setting the bowl on the bedside table, Zuko watches Ru walk back in with some kind of cream in a container and bandages.

“We had wrapped the burns on your wrist and ankles earlier, but I wanted to change the bandages. I also think it would help you to know I am a healer. However, if you want to do it yourself I wouldn’t feel bad about it.” Ru sets the bandages and cream down and pulls up a chair in front of Zuko and sits down. 

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I’m- I don’t really know how to do it myself so- yeah.” Zuko stumbles over his words, but Ru doesn’t mention it and just holds out his hand for zuko. Zuko places his arm in Ru’s hand and Ru sets to work rubbing in, what Zuko believe’s is, burn cream. After he slowly and surely wraps up Zuko’s wrist in the clean bandages. “Thank you, Ru.”

Ru smiles again and nods as he steps out to throw the old bandages out. 

In steps a boy seemingly around Zuko’s age, “Hi! My name’s Feng, who are you?” Ru steps in with a fond look and reaches to flick Feng on the side of his head. 

“This is the kid Nana told you about. He doesn’t have a name we can call him yet. Maybe you should give him one.” Ru has a small smile on his face while looking at Feng with a raised eyebrow. 

At the mention of getting to give Zuko a name, Feng's face lights up, “Can I really give you a name?” Zuko slowly nods, not very sure how this is going to turn out.

Feng hums something as he sits down in Ru’s chair to think. At this Ru snickers.

“I’m going to the market for some food for dinner tonight, don’t scare away the newcomer Feng.” Feng waves him off as Ru leaves them alone.

“First things first, introduction. My name’s Feng and I’m fifteen and my brother, Ru, is twenty. My favorite animal is koala-otters. What about you?” He’s smiling and Zuko swears he’s going to go blind- well, more blind.

“Um, I’m fourteen and my favorite animal is turtle-ducks.” It’s very obvious Zuko has no idea what he’s doing.

“Hmm… I’ve got it!” Feng gets up out of his seat and makes a show of presenting his idea. “What do you think of the name Li?” He is met with silence. “I know, I know. There are a million Li’s, but that’s just it! There are a million Li’s, no one will think twice about some kid named Li!”

“That’s,” Feng looks at him expectantly, “actually really smart.”

“I know right!”

The rest of the day goes by much in the same way. Feng chatting up a storm while Zuko gives him a nod of agreement or a short answer here and there, never really looking him in the eye. It’s not long till Ru comes back in to announce that dinner is done and hands them both bowls as he turns to Feng, “I’m guessing you want to eat with the kid?”

“I’ve named him Li and yes I do.” Feng states matter of factly.

Ru raises an eyebrow and turns to Zuko, “You let him name you Li? Really?” Zuko just shrugs as Ru chuckles at Feng giving him a look. He soon leaves to treat other patients here at the clinic. Feng continues to chatter on as he scarfs down noodles.

Dinner is short and nice and after words Ru re-wraps his wrists. That night Zuko sleeps peacefully for the first time in a long time.

Ru had said he needed to stay a month at least to finish healing his burns and check his back for oncoming infection. It’s a week before Zuko checks a calendar. It’s been 2 months and a couple weeks at sea. 

That day as Feng is practicing throwing knives behind his Nana’s house, Zuko asks to join him.

Feng looks at him questioningly, “do you know how to use them?”

“I’m pretty good, I guess. I used to practice with one of my little sisters' close friends all the time, she was always way better at it though. Plus it has been... awhile.”

Feng hums and hands Zuko some knives, “Well, I can help you relearn then.” Zuko swears Feng's smile will kill him one of these days.

It’s another week before Zuko looks in a mirror. He hasn’t seen himself sense before the agni kai. He knows he won't be pretty, he knows he will look awful, but he didn’t expect just how deep the damage was. The first thing he noticed when he turned to the standstill mirror wasn’t even the scar itself, just how big it was as it takes up a fourth of his face in so many different shades of red and pinks, just slightly in the shape of a cupped hand. Next was the lash scar that just subtly went over the top of his shoulder. Turning slightly to see his back he was almost taken aback by just how many whip scars there were. The raised skin would pass over each other in ‘x’ shapes, go diagonally across his back, or even curve and catch on other scars. All the different lengths and figures made for a gruesome story. Though, Zuko supposed he wasn’t too surprised by it. He had been there after all. It was just… different seeing the aftermath. Turning back to his front he moved his eyes to his hair, it was short growing into a shaggy crew-cut, and then down to his thighs. They were littered with small oval like burns, all horizontal against his skin. Unnatural. Which made sense, seeing as Zuko put them there himself. Don’t get him wrong, he was never going to kill himself. However, losing your bending was such an agonizing experience. After his father had thrown him away to the Boiling Rock, he had no one and nothing. He spent months in that place absolutely alone before Jee. He would sit around in his cell begging his inner flame to burst to life. For awhile it did nothing, so he sat around and would think of Ursa, his sweet mother; of Iroh and Lu Ten, who cared for him; of Azula, his little sister … of Ozai. All until he had come to the final conclusion; he wanted nothing to do with that bastard ever again. He was done thinking and so went back to his fire. All it did was heat his body, so he made himself learn through any means necessary. Because he was not weak. Because the only way Zuko would die was of his own will.

At then end of the month, as he just finished healing, Feng asked Zuko a question while throwing knives (of which he was beating Feng mercilessly),

“What are you going to do now, Li?”

It was such a complicated question, he had nothing, he supposed he’d just have to build himself something. Not that he knew what exactly. He didn’t know how to answer Feng's question so he just shrugged and hit dead center with one of Feng's throwing knives with a smile in his direction as he groaned.

“I heard Old Man Shu talking about how Ba Sing Se is taking in refugees. Maybe you could help Ru around the clinic and save up some coins.” That was not what Zuko imagined.

He turned to Feng, “Do you think I should go there?”

“It would be a good opportunity for you. A new life, away from your mystery of a past.”

One of the many things he liked about Feng was that he never asked about Before. He just focused on now and who Zuko was as a person.

Feng pointed at a small, almost sad, smile his way, “I’m going to miss you though.”

“I’ll miss you too.” Zuko returned the smile.

“Promise to write when you make it there?”

“Of course.”

Feng made an exasperated sound, “No, you have to promise, Li!”

“... I promise.”

The week went by way too quickly. He spent most of his time with Ru in the clinic. His free time was spent with Feng sparing, or just talking. Well, Feng did more talking than Zuko, but still. Feng was the first real friend Zuko had ever had. He knew that they would grow apart over the distance, but that’s why the week passed far too fast. He knew he had to write as soon as he got there, but how long would it be till then? Looking at his outfit, Zuko once again thought that green was just not his color. It made his eye stand out more than it already did, but he guessed it didn’t really matter here. He just didn’t like the reminder every time he looked in the mirror. His clothes were just common, lower class, Earth Kingdom clothes. The under layer is a warm brown with darker green over layer. Made for easy traveling. Ru insisted he take some new clothes to Ba Sing Se. He still had his swords, Irohs knife, and the satchel he came here with. Li Na dropped by on her off day and had given him a new cup and a bowl for food, Ru gave him medical supplies and food, and Feng had given him some new silver throwing knives.

(There were sounds of a struggle in the other room and Ru was about to stand, “Li, take the goddamn knives!” “How expensive were these!” “Just take them!” Ru decided to ignore it.)

Zuko put Iroh’s knife in the inner side of his left boot. Next he placed the throwing knives up his forearms and various places in his clothes. He strapped his swords and bag onto his back and he thought was all set to leave.

He said his quick goodbye to Ru at the clinic door. As zuko headed down the path he heard footsteps running up to him. As he turned around he couldn’t help the words he said next,

“Is that your fucking ostrich-horse?!”

Feng smiled, “And I thought you said not to curse.”

“I’m not taking that, Feng.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Li, Ba Sing Se is _so far._ We have other’s just take her.”

“No.”

“Oh my- You stubborn little shit. _Take. Her_.” 

“No.”

Feng took on a pompous voice, “As your elder, I command it!”

“Shut up, you're not even a full year older than me.”

“Still counts.”

As Zuko rode the ostrich-horse down the road leading to Ba Sing Se he quietly thought to himself that he had no fucking idea what he was getting himself into, but really wasn’t that just like every other day?


	4. VERY IMPORTANT AN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry,,,

Sooooo  
It has been a hot minute, but I'm going to keep this short-  
I will not be continuing this story.  
This is because it wasn't my idea, an online friend of mine had given me the basic plot points so a wrote it for them. However, they have no more plot points and I can't continue...  
I hope you understand,, I'm very very sorry.


End file.
